Relationship Responsibilities: Part 1 - Why Am I Still Single
Who's job is it? Huh? Actually, the real question is...WHY ARE WE STILL ASKING THIS QUESTION?! Have we not fully debunked the myth that relationships are on the shoulders of one side or the other. Both sides can place equally valid blame and propose equally valid defenses. Both sides experience equally valid opposition and hate and stereotypes. No matter what your sexuality, I know you experience some sort of discrimination as far as who is primarily responsible for the good the bad and the in-between of relationships. And I'm talking about before, during and after. Questions like Why am I still single? Why didn't this relationship take off? Why am I stuck in the friend zone? Why can't we get past this issue? Why do I feel so alone in this relationship? Why am I treated this way? Why can't I get over them? Why do I keep getting back with the same person? You get it.
Hello, I'm Lauren, and I'm here to tell you...IT'S A GROUP EFFORT. Now before I start this statement brings up a very important element to this dynamic, the third category - friends and family, but we're not going to go into depth about that this time. I will touch on it though
The Before. I can only speak for the heterosexual female demographic, but I know we feel a lot of pressure at times to attract a man and nowadays there is a lot more expectation on females to initiate pursuit; which I personally think is a copout for men who are scared of rejection but that's just me. Quickly, I say that because most women primarily function based off of emotions; that is why it's so common for women to talk about their feelings. Men don't talk about their feelings nearly as much because it's not as natural for them; I believe they are more centered on action and progress. Not just women, but everyone wants to see their loved one overcome difficulties in an effort to express their love to their significant other. It makes us feel their love to a deeper level and therefore elicits deeper love in return. Therefore, since it is not that hard for women to voice their emotions and feelings it is not as profound of an act, and ALSO does not meet the love language of most men. Most heterosexual men crave respect and for a woman to initiate pursuit is flipping the script, because it is most women's desire to be loved. So we really need to be thinking about these things through the lens of who are we dealing with and how can we go about things that will most effectively show them I love them in a way they crave to be loved. However, this requires the prerequisite that we are dealing with mature, self-aware people (not just adults), and let's be honest that is not the majority of people that need to be reading this. Those people probably already knew this.
ANYWAYS...that was not that quick. The point I was trying to address is that people often ask why they are still single, but this question begs another question. What do you want out of a relationship? Many people just want to have fun and cultivate different experiences with different people. Some people in this category understand the desired by-product of learning what you want better or learning more about yourself, but then there are others who are just numbing something or being rebellious (largely adolescent...not just teenagers). Therefore to this category of people, I would pose the question of how much effort are you putting into putting yourself out there? How picky are you being? Do you have a healthy balance of compromisable standards and deal breakers written out for yourself? Do you have timelines for boundaries you do and don't want to cross set out for yourself? I imagine a lot of people probably fear getting out there because they have not sufficiently set themselves up for success. When you just want to gain experience, you must ensure that the experiences you open yourself up to will ultimately leave you better than they found you, ideally. There are always so many unforeseeable factors in these equations when you dealing with another human; however, we can do our best to set ourselves up for success but then after that, we just have to apply a little faith in the process. We just have to accept that pain and disappointment are apart of life, especially in matters of the heart. So don't become demoralized when it happens.
On the other hand, some people want to date for the objective of finding a spouse or life partner. Now in these cases, I would suggest having more and fewer rules at the same time. Fewer circumstantial rules and more / higher standards for your desired person. When you really want to find your person, you can't create any kind of equation to get you to your desired result. This objective requires either a lot of faith or a lot of settling, but more than anything you ideally should know yourself pretty damn well before you can be capable of really determining when you've found your true person. Or just have a REALLY tight relationship with your intuition. I will admit there are a lot of exceptions to the rules when it comes to finding your life partner. For example, I am not a fan of dating websites AT ALL, but I have a friend who found her husband off of a dating website almost right out of high school. Also, I know of a couple that got married at 16 & 17 and are still together after multiple kids, well past their 50s. Anything is possible when it comes to true love, I'm just trying to suggest a good basic approach, but you always have to have an open mind and heart when you're waiting for true love.
P.S. You can experience true love with someone that is not meant to be your life partner. Some people are meant to teach about love and other people are actually equipped to love you as they walk through life alongside you. This is very important to keep in mind in life. Forgetting this fact is how many people end up getting married and divorced unnecessarily. You have to be thinking macro with these things. We can't afford to act like we are just dating for fun when our heart truly wants a life partner because we will inevitably be caught slipping and fall for the wrong person. Avoid this if you can, it's not always possible though, which is OK.
Continuing, my suggestion is to ongoingly be self-assessing our soul and our relationships and what patterns and desires seem to continuously come up no matter how much we think or overthink things. The secret in understanding ourselves and who we will truly be compatible with for the long haul, is recognizing what we can't keep ourselves from wanting...unless you are one of those people who is consciously attracted to all the wrong things in a person. This where friends and family come in. It is important to have people in your life that can give you a very objective but circumspect perspective on you and your love life so that you can face some brutal honesty. Maybe the result is that you realize you can't trust yourself to pick your spouse you NEED to run everyone by that friend or family member. This may also mean you are not qualified to trust your decisions on the men you reject either. But the reality of the situation is that either you will have to grow out of this before you can find your person or your person will end up finding you and entering your life like a tornado to your soul and you will have to face yourself and decide whether you are going to turn away a good thing or if you will take your chances to find "someone else" that fits your poor personal standards. Know yourself and don't play games with love is all I'm saying. In conclusion, if you have a good handle on who you are and you are actively content living your life become the person you want to be for your own sake but at the same time you are open to love and aware of exactly what you want and can recognize it when it shows up, I have a feeling love will find you when the time is right. Happy hunting!
Hello, I'm Lauren, and I'm here to tell you...IT'S A GROUP EFFORT. Now before I start this statement brings up a very important element to this dynamic, the third category - friends and family, but we're not going to go into depth about that this time. I will touch on it though
The Before. I can only speak for the heterosexual female demographic, but I know we feel a lot of pressure at times to attract a man and nowadays there is a lot more expectation on females to initiate pursuit; which I personally think is a copout for men who are scared of rejection but that's just me. Quickly, I say that because most women primarily function based off of emotions; that is why it's so common for women to talk about their feelings. Men don't talk about their feelings nearly as much because it's not as natural for them; I believe they are more centered on action and progress. Not just women, but everyone wants to see their loved one overcome difficulties in an effort to express their love to their significant other. It makes us feel their love to a deeper level and therefore elicits deeper love in return. Therefore, since it is not that hard for women to voice their emotions and feelings it is not as profound of an act, and ALSO does not meet the love language of most men. Most heterosexual men crave respect and for a woman to initiate pursuit is flipping the script, because it is most women's desire to be loved. So we really need to be thinking about these things through the lens of who are we dealing with and how can we go about things that will most effectively show them I love them in a way they crave to be loved. However, this requires the prerequisite that we are dealing with mature, self-aware people (not just adults), and let's be honest that is not the majority of people that need to be reading this. Those people probably already knew this.
ANYWAYS...that was not that quick. The point I was trying to address is that people often ask why they are still single, but this question begs another question. What do you want out of a relationship? Many people just want to have fun and cultivate different experiences with different people. Some people in this category understand the desired by-product of learning what you want better or learning more about yourself, but then there are others who are just numbing something or being rebellious (largely adolescent...not just teenagers). Therefore to this category of people, I would pose the question of how much effort are you putting into putting yourself out there? How picky are you being? Do you have a healthy balance of compromisable standards and deal breakers written out for yourself? Do you have timelines for boundaries you do and don't want to cross set out for yourself? I imagine a lot of people probably fear getting out there because they have not sufficiently set themselves up for success. When you just want to gain experience, you must ensure that the experiences you open yourself up to will ultimately leave you better than they found you, ideally. There are always so many unforeseeable factors in these equations when you dealing with another human; however, we can do our best to set ourselves up for success but then after that, we just have to apply a little faith in the process. We just have to accept that pain and disappointment are apart of life, especially in matters of the heart. So don't become demoralized when it happens.
On the other hand, some people want to date for the objective of finding a spouse or life partner. Now in these cases, I would suggest having more and fewer rules at the same time. Fewer circumstantial rules and more / higher standards for your desired person. When you really want to find your person, you can't create any kind of equation to get you to your desired result. This objective requires either a lot of faith or a lot of settling, but more than anything you ideally should know yourself pretty damn well before you can be capable of really determining when you've found your true person. Or just have a REALLY tight relationship with your intuition. I will admit there are a lot of exceptions to the rules when it comes to finding your life partner. For example, I am not a fan of dating websites AT ALL, but I have a friend who found her husband off of a dating website almost right out of high school. Also, I know of a couple that got married at 16 & 17 and are still together after multiple kids, well past their 50s. Anything is possible when it comes to true love, I'm just trying to suggest a good basic approach, but you always have to have an open mind and heart when you're waiting for true love.
P.S. You can experience true love with someone that is not meant to be your life partner. Some people are meant to teach about love and other people are actually equipped to love you as they walk through life alongside you. This is very important to keep in mind in life. Forgetting this fact is how many people end up getting married and divorced unnecessarily. You have to be thinking macro with these things. We can't afford to act like we are just dating for fun when our heart truly wants a life partner because we will inevitably be caught slipping and fall for the wrong person. Avoid this if you can, it's not always possible though, which is OK.
Continuing, my suggestion is to ongoingly be self-assessing our soul and our relationships and what patterns and desires seem to continuously come up no matter how much we think or overthink things. The secret in understanding ourselves and who we will truly be compatible with for the long haul, is recognizing what we can't keep ourselves from wanting...unless you are one of those people who is consciously attracted to all the wrong things in a person. This where friends and family come in. It is important to have people in your life that can give you a very objective but circumspect perspective on you and your love life so that you can face some brutal honesty. Maybe the result is that you realize you can't trust yourself to pick your spouse you NEED to run everyone by that friend or family member. This may also mean you are not qualified to trust your decisions on the men you reject either. But the reality of the situation is that either you will have to grow out of this before you can find your person or your person will end up finding you and entering your life like a tornado to your soul and you will have to face yourself and decide whether you are going to turn away a good thing or if you will take your chances to find "someone else" that fits your poor personal standards. Know yourself and don't play games with love is all I'm saying. In conclusion, if you have a good handle on who you are and you are actively content living your life become the person you want to be for your own sake but at the same time you are open to love and aware of exactly what you want and can recognize it when it shows up, I have a feeling love will find you when the time is right. Happy hunting!
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