New Mountains - Old Battles
I am finding it very interesting how all of the new seasons of life we find ourselves walking into in life don't really bring up new things but pre-existing struggles that either we never really paid attention to or we lose so often/easily we don't put much energy into it.
I have started a new job. I do not have any of the official qualifications traditionally expected for the position I fill. Not only that, but this is a governmentally mandated industry so the rules and regulations are very serious. I myself tend towards perfectionism when placed in environments of rules and regulations. I fear failure and am ashamed to be corrected or seen as imperfect. I fear the loss of job, decline in reputation, lack of effectiveness, and so on. I think on all sides of the spectrum, understanding my overthinking can decrease my effectiveness, however I also worry that my lack of attention to detail with result in a significant failure to myself and those depending on me.
I don't know how to let go. I cognitively understand all elements of the equation and their roles. However, my mind is so foreign to the path relinquishing control and primary activity in situations of pressure and expectation. It seems unfathomable to rely on my instincts and natural intelligence first and foremost. This concern paired with my tendency to already doubt myself and the dependability of my discernment and perspective, I find myself between a rock and a hard place.
The challenge is to turn into jello and allow myself to be squeezed up and out of my self-constructed trap. Free myself from the binds of my own controlling limitations. But to go where I have never gone before, without a pre-established intimate role model I can trust to guide me through the process. I am otherwise forced to resort to leaning solely on Holy Spirit's capacity to communicate to me all necessary information for my success when necessary. This seems unlikely when I do not receive as much communication as I imagine necessary. But the rode toward self-trust is never as we predict...other wise we would probably be there already!
I have started a new job. I do not have any of the official qualifications traditionally expected for the position I fill. Not only that, but this is a governmentally mandated industry so the rules and regulations are very serious. I myself tend towards perfectionism when placed in environments of rules and regulations. I fear failure and am ashamed to be corrected or seen as imperfect. I fear the loss of job, decline in reputation, lack of effectiveness, and so on. I think on all sides of the spectrum, understanding my overthinking can decrease my effectiveness, however I also worry that my lack of attention to detail with result in a significant failure to myself and those depending on me.
I don't know how to let go. I cognitively understand all elements of the equation and their roles. However, my mind is so foreign to the path relinquishing control and primary activity in situations of pressure and expectation. It seems unfathomable to rely on my instincts and natural intelligence first and foremost. This concern paired with my tendency to already doubt myself and the dependability of my discernment and perspective, I find myself between a rock and a hard place.
The challenge is to turn into jello and allow myself to be squeezed up and out of my self-constructed trap. Free myself from the binds of my own controlling limitations. But to go where I have never gone before, without a pre-established intimate role model I can trust to guide me through the process. I am otherwise forced to resort to leaning solely on Holy Spirit's capacity to communicate to me all necessary information for my success when necessary. This seems unlikely when I do not receive as much communication as I imagine necessary. But the rode toward self-trust is never as we predict...other wise we would probably be there already!
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